Thursday, December 9, 2004
missing simple reality
Quiet

I find that in time I have become somewhat of a contradiction to the things that I once held true within me. I used to believe so much in an eye for an eye before I read Matthew 5. I used to want to be social and in love more than anything else but that has changed much in the past few months. I want love but the social thing isn't as much of a burden on me anymore. I let some things slide but it seems that I should still choose my battles more wisely. I've hurt a lot of people in the past few months and I'm beginning to think I might be prone to it. Since I'm more optimistic than that, I'll think otherwise however. I miss that simple sense of reality that seemed to be almost too good to be true as most people believed it when they were one or two. Of course, we can't remember all that well what that actually was... I mean, the innocence and ignorance of the world was everything and nothing all at once. We didn't know so we didn't care. Learning new things was so easy because we had so few life experiences to fall back on. Everything was new... Everything was so gold and glittery, like looking through rose-colored glasses. Yes? Alors, I sometimes wish for that simplicity again.

Have you ever heard the song Simple Gifts? It's one of my favorites merely because of it's message. It says that the simple things in life are what life is worth living for, not the gifts and material objects we share with one another. It's the emotion and beauty of living that we should share and cherish with others. I used to worry about whether or not people would accept me for who I was... I still do, for that matter. But it doesn't affect me like it used to. I used to beat myself up all the time to try and be as pretty or as thin or as nice or as talented as other people around me. I lived my life inenvy and jealousy. I was so selfish and big-headed that I didn't realize my own talents as they formed. I begin to realize now what a great actress I am (and what great actors others are). We all put on facades each day around different people. It's like a masquerade ball that never ends. What if we could shed that mask for one day to see who we really are on the inside? Would I be proud of myself?

I find that lies and deception lead may peoples' lives, including my own. There is certainly that person in everyone's life who you'd hang up on or not answer their calls or ignore them in the hallways or just simply take them for granted. Why? We can't see past ourown insecurities and red flags to see who that person really is. You always hurt the people you love the most... But sometimes, some of the people you hurt aren't really the ones you love. That's always a good thing to remember.

In Matthew 6, it says that you should love your neighbor (this being repeated several times throughout the Bible). It's so true. No matter how much a person aggravates you or irritates you, you have to listen and try to understand, respect and be patient. I often find myself losing control when I'm getting irritated with some people. That needs to stop because despite how much those people drive me insane, there is a lot that I can learn from them. Everything in life is a learning experience and I think that I should treat it that way. Whether it is remembering not to lose control in an argument or not to eat that soup again, everything teaches you a lesson.

In summary, I need to love my neighbors (no matter who they are), be honest with myself and others, and remember that everything in life is a learning experience leading to an eternity with God. This is the most precious gift of all.

ixcrisxi at 9:16:00 PM MST