Saturday, December 4, 2004
Rehearsals for the 5-Group
Sad Rent - Seasons of Love

This is really confusing to me, most of all... I want to talk to Collin but I feel that I can't. It's so hard seeing him after all of this. I just want to be able to talk to him like nothing had ever happened but something did and it hurts me. It hurts to know that there were probably eight million things that I could have done about it, y'know? I wanted to push him away and smack him but I couldn't. I was almost is absolute shock. It struck me like nothing else but at the same time I almost as if I enjoyed it. But if I had really enjoyed it, why would I have felt so guilty and so abashed by it? It hurt me as well as it hurt him. It hurt Collin more than anything I could probably every imagine. He loved me and it seems that I abused that in many ways. I wanted love from him and he gave it to me. I jsut couldn't seem to reciprocate in the right ways. It feels weird to still want something there when I know that that cannot happen. I've 'moved on.' I still think and write and talk about Collin to a point of exhaustion. He's so much still a part of my life that it is almost sickening. It's crazy that I still feel these things after this short time but I do... I still feel everything I used to feel for him. I still feel that love that I could not possibly express. It seems that everytime I find something good, no matter what it is, I always mess it up. I hate this feeing of being locked within a ghost of myself. I see my mistakes and try to correct them but it seems that they just spring up worse the next time around in a different situation. I like getting kicked in the butt for it but I'm not sure how many times life's ironies will let me live anew. I mean, I have survived, mostly unscathed emotionally, these attacks on me by myself. How much can I actually serve to myself before it kills me inside? I hurt Collin more than I could hurt most people in that one act that could have been prevented. Why talk about the past that I can't change? I don't know. I just feel overwhelmed wit a sense of the unknown because I miss him. I just miss being alright with him. I don't expect anything to come of Collin and I, as far as it ever going back to the way it used to be, together... I just want there to be some type of friendship... Some type of acquaintance. I just need him in my life. He's like the person in everyone's life who understands and helps you through everything. This sounds so desperate... Mais je suis! Je ne peux pas aller s'il n'est pas dans ma vie. J'ai besoin de lui. Je l'aime! Maybe I always will... I don't know. I'm so confused right now. Everything has just kinda piled up on me. Then again, I dug my own hole and should be able to get out of it, yes?

ixcrisxi at 10:42:00 PM MST (Link to this entry)

Cristina, nous avons besoin d'avoir un parle sérieux...you're never going to get yourself out of your hole if you keep doing this...talk to me tomorrow...bisous, stacy

Comment from missamerica1055 - 12/6/04 8:34 PM