Wednesday, December 8, 2004
Confusion mounts...
Quiet

While I still think I need to talk and form some type of a friendship with Collin. I'm wrong in thinking that I need him, him as in his personality and spirit. I've survived pretty well with those who enjoy my company already. I mean, what is in the past is in the past and I shouldn't try to mend old wounds before they're ready for a new casing. Y'know what I mean? I've been unfair to Devin in some rights. I've kinda let spill my emotions and everything that has happened to me in the past. I'm not sure what that lays in his mind. I'm sure that it did not to please him or maybe he didn't even change his perspective on me. I'm worried about him though. Despite my cold and my obvious lack of any compassion at times, I feel that something is wrong in him right now. He seems uneasy and I'm not sure why. Mostly because he won't tell me but I totally respect that. Everyone gets the same way at one point or another. Don't they? Je ne sais pas...

I said some stuff to Danielle today that I probably shouldn't have. One, because it wasn't my place at all. Two, because I value her friendship despite how much she can aggravate me sometimes... I don't know. She's kinda irritates me much of the time but I love that she is so confident about herself. Maybe I perceive her achievements as my imperfections. Envy is a sin if harbored too deeply. Plus, when she gets under my skin, I'm supposed to turn the other cheek. Reading the Bible afterschool with Jordan today really helped me realize some of what I have interpreted wrong in what I read in the Bible. It helps to have someone to talk to with you about it. That way, you don't steer yourself in the wrong direction, know what I mean? Anyway, I need to apologize about how I spoke to Danielle and because I hurt her feelings. I may not necessarily be too sorry about some of the things that I said, but I do need to be fair to her by saying how I feel honestly.

Alors, back to Devin (he's been on my mind a lot lately)... Honestly, I'm falling for Devin. It may be too soon for me to say that officially but I'll say it because I feel it now, very much so... He's always nice to me and understands me (at least from what I can see). I think I might he holding myself back too much from him though. True, I need to put grades and me before him for now... But he's important almost the same or more as those (the me part is hard to explain, so I won't). ;) I don't know... I'm confused because I'm not sure where this is going , seldom does anyone ever really know where they're truly going in life. As long as I keep God in my heart, I know he'll guide me and show me the path I need to travel. I never really questioned myself with God before meeting Devin. It's strange how it all happened. Suddenly, I feel a need to learn about God and do something with my life (besides the drama that clouds my vision). A spark is all you need to build a blaze, but you need a gallon of water to put it out. In some ways, I've started a forest fire of mistakes and mishaps.

ixcrisxi at 9:34:00 PM MST