Thursday, August 5, 2004
Closure
Worried 88.7 FM KCME

I don't understand this emotion all too completely, but for some reason I feel worried. I'm beginning to wonder if something else is underlying in how Collin and I feel about eachother. Or, is there something else I did wrong that I am not conscious about? Maybe I'm too young or naive to understand this situation entirely. I mean, I was honest with him in every way... I could've told him soon after, true... But like he said, "Sometimes I don't want to tell you things that will cause you to feel more depressed." Right out of the horse's mouth... I don't know. Maybe that's wrong of me but I have always been honest with him, brutally honest! Except for the one instance beforehand and that's a totally different story. One lie can ruin your reputation forever but you also have to interpret feelings and the heart to know whether you can truly trstu someone... So, there must be something else there for him to blatantly tell me that he can't trust me. Would he rather me lead him on and be found out or me being honest and mistreating him? First of all, it's not like I had any conscious idea that T.J. was going to kiss me at all. I had no idea that was going to happen but it did. And... That's something I have to deal with. If I would've know I would've avoided the situation entirely and none of this would have happened and we would have been fine until something else shattered out hopes of ever being in a "healthy relationship" ever again. It frustrates me when Mike tells me that Collin feels the same way that I do but that you can't give out second chances forever and that he couldn't handle me saying sorry and then slapping him in the face again and again. I don't hurt him on purpose. The prom thing was entirely my fault and I know that. It could've easily been avoided if I would've just said no to begin with... How could I have known that Robert was going to kiss me after the Forensics tournament a I was getting out of the car or that T.J. was going to kiss me before he left as I was hugging him good-bye? I wonder what signs I could be sending out to people as I say hello or talk with them alone... I wonder if I'm totally insane for thinking that I've been wronged a million times by myself because I took all the blame for the things that happened to me without my prior knowledge of anything of the sort in anyone's mind!!! Maybe I am just a victim of my own body language or maybe just a victim of misfortune... Being in the wrong place and the wrong time... Things happening for only God knows what reasons... I don't know why I don't see the ever-so-apparent red flags that I'm supposed to see, as everyone says there are, when I look at my best friends before they surprise me with an unwanted kiss. Can I help that I am only human and panic when put in situations that I know will frown upon me in more than one way?!? I HATE THIS!!! It's because love runs deep that I feel this way, I know it. It's also because of my misfortune and my own naive disposition that makes the well of love within me run dry when I feel I've got something good. I always seem to push away the things that I want to hold on to and keep the things I know I should toss away... This is all too confusing... I don't know what is what or how I am supposed to react to any of this... Why do I still feel this way when I just started convincing myself that I was going to be okay? I'm not going to be okay unless Collin can look me in the face and say that this is what is best for the both of us, that this is what was meant to be.

ixcrisxi at 10:52:00 PM MDT