Monday, July 26, 2004
Picture Update #2
Frustrated A Perfect Circle - The Noose

Things are a bit weird for me right now. I'm confused and hurt, even though I'm the one who shouldn't be feeling anything but guilt. It pains me to think that maybe I messed up so badly that nothing in the world is going to change it or can, for that matter. Sarah, Marcus, Cyndi, Katie (Sarah's little sister), and I went to Q Zar to play some lasertag. We played two games, both ending up horribly for all of us, and then we went out to Sonic for some dinner. We all ended up going to my house to watch The Butterfly Effect and eat our food. Dad's at work right now; he left around 10PM. At least, that's what I gathered from Cyndi. They all left after the movie, that was around 12:15AM. I'm glad that everyone had a really good time. I had fun. The movie moved me to a place where I didn't have to focus on anything but it and it made me feel at home again. I haven't felt like that for such a long time now. I guess it's only been about one week, though... I feel like my entire life has turned upside down. I can't live without him there... But I guess I'll have to learn to just deal with it and learn to be the person Collin loved and had fun with, not the cold-hearted person I can be. I'm gonna try to change for him, even if I can never be with him again. I just need to show myself that I can be faithful and that my love for him is something I can be happy and satistifed with for the rest of my life. I messed up so badly this time I can't eat or sleep or write or read or do anything anymore. I think about him and remember every single time he had confided the things on his mind to me privately. I remember how I told him that I would never break his heart like that, that I would never hurt him like that.... Then I said, I love you. I told him not to worry; I made the worst of all his fears come true in an instant. I could have lied to him and no one would have known. I could have just said nothing but how? I love him.... I promised him that I would never lie to him again. I didn't lie to him again, but I did break his heart again. I wish I could take everything back and make sure beyond a doubt that nothing would have happened and that nothing would have changed. I love him too much to lose him. Now that I might lose him, I feel like my heart is slowly breaking down. I don't think I could handle leaving him on this note. I couldn't... I can't. I love him.