Thursday, July 1, 2004
the stupid life...
Sad Clay Aiken - When You Say You Love Me

I miss Collin a lot now. He's sick and I want to be there for him. I've seen him a lot lately. I don't know. Maybe I run to hi to lose myself, ease my problems away. I don't know. It hurts though. I hate being so out of touch all the time. It's hard to do anything when you think that the entire world is out to get you. There's this feeling of rejection that I'm getting from everyone, and I even feel it from Collin I know that he cares and wants to hear about my problems and my good times but he has a funny way of showing it. I feel almost kicked to the curb and brushed aside by everyone. It hurts me. I hate it so much. God! I've been so tired, lonely, and depressed as of late. I hate these feelings of betrayal but how so I get rid of them? Just forget about it or create more problems by confronting people about them? I would think not. I just need someone I can always talk to. You know what I mean? Someone I feel really attuned to and someone who understands almost everything about me. Heh he he... Someone like Collin, actually. Funny isn't it? I can't stop thinking about him. Almost as if I'm dependent upon him. But still... I'm always afraid of calling at a bad time or leaving a conversation unfinished. Nevermind. I guess that's not true. I always leave things unsaid, unspoken and internalized. I hate myself.

ixcrisxi at 12:36:00 AM MDT