Sunday, July 18, 2004
Incroyable!
Angry

I have done so many things to hurt Collin. Why? You've got me there. Maybe I just don't try hard enough to keep myself out of bad situations. I try, maybe not even hard enough, to make things work but they always end up blowing up in my face one way or another. Tonight, Myra and Danielle confronted Collin and told him that I had kissed T.J. Good for them. It really hurts to be publicly humiliated. Wait... I should tell the whole story first. Sarah tells me to go over and say good-bye to Collin when he walks up to me. He kissed my cheek and said "Hey you!" Sounded pretty nice to me... Not the case. He grabs my hand and leads me to where I know Myra and Danielle were "talking" to him. I automatically say that I don't want to go over there at all. He says to just go with him. So I did. Boy, do I wish that I didn't. He tells me he had heard something interesting just a few moments ago... I told him to tell me without the nice padding. He said, "I heard that you kissed another guy..." What was I supposed to say? "Why, yes, actually. It was soooo great! I did it on purpose because I want to hurt you!" I'm sorry but that's a bit ridiculous. I wasn't going to lie in front of him and to his face, nor would I ever lie to him at all ever again. It hurts to think that he would so naturally assume the worst about me and then later say that he trusted me. I pulled him away from Myra and Danielle, hearing them in the background saying "Go ahead and make up your excuses, Cristina!" Shut up! It was none of their business in the first place but since they chose to tell him without confronting me first...? Oh well... It's a little too late to change that, hindsight is 20/20 and all. I ask him questions and he says things to me, all the while wiping my tears but still with the same expression. The whole situation was unfair to me. I can't really say much more about what we talked about and what happened other than the fact that he walked away from me and back to Myra and Danielle. Why? Only god knows... I love him, but I don't think that after tonight's "chat," if you will, he ever really loved me. I don't know really why I feel this way so much. I strongly believe that when you truly love someone, it's an unconditional thing. I kept hearing I loved you from him... That hurts. I have no idea if the world is just out to get me, or if Myra and Danielle are pitted against me for all time... I sincerely thought them as friends for the longest time and now I have to question those feelings in so many ways. I'm sure a lot of people who'll read this will think me ridiculous or think, "What a great big lie and excuse she's making for herself?!? She deserves what she's getting!" Well... I can't say that I don't deserve part of it but it was unfair in every way to publicly call me out and not confront me first before letting it all out in the open. Gossip doesn't make very close friends, does it? I'm sorry for what I did. It kinda makes me angry that no matter how upfront or truthful and honest I am with people, they can never reciprocate that with me. They always tell someone, talk behind my back, and tell me at the last moment... It makes healing a lot harder and life a bit more unbearable. I don't know what I can say or do... It's a crutch to say I'm sorry all the time for things that you do. it's a nice gesture but I don't believe in that phrase anymore. It's a plea for forgiveness and pity. I cannot ask forgiveness of anyone or make them see things my way. They jsut have to do it for themselves. I would certainly appreciate being talked to first about things that concern me, personally. Alas, this I cannot also ask. So, I pray that things will work out between everyone who has so graciously involved themselves in this situation. I wish there would've been another way or another time... It has already happened so I guess I can only see what comes out of this mess and hope that I haven't been fighting for and screwing up my life and my relationships with close friends for a hopeless cause... I can't be angry at Collin for feelings the thing he does right now. I can only be angry that he talk to me about it.

ixcrisxi at 10:28:00 PM MDT

Your "friends" need to grow up. If the best thing they can do with their time is to sit around reading all of your journals and pointing out of your faults, well then they are completely pathetic. You don't need jealous gossiping friends like that that have no lives; all they do is try to bring you down, and that's the last thing anyone needs. -Bisous

Comment from stacybee010 - 7/24/04 7:53 AM